Abby advises reader to block ex after two decades with spouse

Dear Abby received a letter this week from a reader who identified herself as Wondering in the Northwest. The woman is 39 years old and has been married to her husband for 20 years. They met when they were young, and their two children are now nearly grown. She stated that her husband cheated on her several times during the early years of their relationship. Despite those incidents, she said she moved past them for the most part and now shares a solid relationship and life with him.

Over the last 18 months, several of her ex-boyfriends have reached out to her. The reader reported that she removed herself from all social media platforms and job websites to reduce her visibility. However, the men continued to find her. One specific former boyfriend has occupied more time in her thoughts than she believes is appropriate. She said she connected with this man over the phone about a year ago, though nothing happened in person. She felt bad about the connection and told him she could no longer talk to him. He later found her again through a mutual friend, and she said intrusive thoughts about him are creeping back in.

The reader also noted a disparity in her romantic history compared to her husband. She said she never had the opportunity to date around as freely as her spouse did. She stated that her husband has slept with many women, while she has only ever slept with him. She expressed a feeling that she missed out on something. She added that she thinks she knows the answer to her dilemma but cannot talk to anyone else about it.

Abby replied that the reader should not risk her solid relationship on a what-if scenario. She stated that her husband's decades-old indiscretions are not an excuse to cheat on him now. Abby advised the reader to let those past events go completely rather than merely moving past them for the most part. She described the early infidelities as ancient history. The columnist suggested blocking the ex-boyfriend and asking friends to stop giving out her phone number without her permission. If the reader needs to rekindle passion with her husband, Abby recommended consulting a licensed couples counselor, either jointly or on her own.

In a separate letter, a reader identified as Mixed Up in Arizona described a hosting issue with longtime friends. The couple invited the friends to dinner and to spend the night during a trip through the area. The friends confirmed an afternoon arrival date and time one week in advance. Two hours before the scheduled arrival, the friends called to say they were busy and pushed dinner back to 10:30 p.m. The reader explained that this was a huge imposition because they do not normally eat dinner that late and had already made plans for the following day. They adapted by offering light appetizers and dessert when the friends arrived at nearly 11 p.m. The hosts retired to bed at midnight after setting up the guest room.

The Arizona reader reminded the guests that they had to leave by 10 a.m. the next morning for an existing commitment. They offered to visit over coffee and pastries beforehand. The guests said they prefer to sleep until almost noon and seemed genuinely miffed that the hosts did not change their plans. The reader asked how Abby would have handled the situation. Abby replied that she would have handled the situation the same way the reader did. She added that in the future, she would not agree to host that presumptuous couple again.